This morning I was on my way down to London on the train and I had the “pleasure” of travelling in rush hour into Central Leeds. It’s been a while since I have travelled in rush hour (something I try and avoid when attending motivational talks where possible!) and like many activities it was good for a bit of people watching! The train was already full when it pulled into my home town station with many people standing and commuters crowded into the seats. I struggled onto it with my laptop, kit bag and suit carrier and sought to find a place which didn’t leave me balancing the bags and with nothing to lean or hold onto.
After a couple of minutes, the train pulled out of the station and moved on to the next station and then the next where several people got off to switch trains for Bradford. As they did so one seat was left empty and maybe 30+ people were still standing. A man, aged about 30, whipped past everybody and sat down. He was, I would say, old enough to know better (?!!) but young enough to stand without coming to any harm. I looked around the carriage. Standing up were two women over 60, one man who was even older, one guy with a stick, a slightly pregnant woman and a whole host of other people… at least half female.
Now certainly, I was taught to stand for women, children and older people let alone pregnant women or people needing a stick to help them stand. And even if this is not de rigueur anymore, is it too much to expect a totally fit man not to use his speed, agility and bulk to force his way into a seat?
I think not. And this selfish, “it’s all about me” behaviour is not isolated to travel either! We see it in all walks of life…
Leaving political comment about greedy bankers, thieving rioters, corrupt politicians and people too idle to work out of it… let’s talk about shopping! When shopping, people mill about and get in each other’s way from time to time. Every trip, creates at least one situation where one person or another has to step out of the way to avoid a collision. I am pretty aware of my surroundings and people around me so it is not often me walking sideways, bumping into people or randomly stopping or changing direction!
Yet…
It’s always me saying, “I’m sorry,” even when it is clearly the other person’s fault. I can’t help it, it’s innate, its deep inside me. I just say it! I’ve tried not to but I cannot stop myself no matter how hard I try! (My Mum would be pleased). And yet, few other people murmur anything at all. I reckon less than 1 in 20… not that I’m counting or anything! It’s like, “Who are you? Get out of my way.”
So there I was, standing on the train, wondering whether I was wrong? Wondering whether offering my seat to someone else, holding a door for someone or showing politeness to someone was wrong? By refusing to ignore people, not wanting to slam doors in faces and by being unwilling to grab the last seat and play Angry Birds on my iPhone, does this make me sexist, ageist, out of touch?
Maybe you think it does? Maybe you think it doesn’t? Maybe you think I am wrong? Maybe you think I am right? I’m sure you will tell me but I think manners do matter. I think manners make society. I think manners show respect for others, respect for society and respect for yourself. Manners maketh man. And I am a man not an ape. And as a man, I care about others. I respect others. I am aware of others. I am aware of their existence and I value them. And I think that is important.
But I also think that manners stem from respect for and caring for others. And these are some of the things that make me a good speaker, a good salesperson, a good friend and good business partner.
If you want to be a good salesperson you need to care about others. If you want to be a good salesperson you need to respect others. Great salespeople respect their clients, their colleagues, their peers and their profession. For sure, you might be able to point at some money-grabbing, non-feeling, dinosaurus-rexus of a salesperson who chases their clients around biting huge chunks out of any they can catch but they are on the way out, they are soon to be extinct. Just like T-Rex.
It’s not all about sales skills. It’s not all about sales ability. It’s not all about sales training. It’s also not all about the company you work for or the product you sell. And it is most definitely not all about the market and the economy. Who you are and how you behave have a profound impact upon your client relationships, your sales conversations, your sales results and your life.
So on your way home tonight, think about it a little before you bump into the person next to you and say nothing, before you dive into the nearest seat without a thought for others, before you walk off leaving the door to swing into someone’s face. Not being aware of who lost out does not make them lose out and suffer any the less. And it does not make you a better person.
Me, I am going to continue to stand up and offer my seat, I am going to continue to hold doors and I am going to continue to say, “Sorry.”
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About Gavin Ingham
I agree with your comments Gavin.
Regarding the “sorry” thing. I think this is typical and I too find myself apologising for sometimes a situation which isn’t my fault. I think it’s the way we’ve been brought up and is a common trait in the British culture.
However, I’m not sure that it’s a good thing. Why should we be apologising? I sometimes start my head-hunting spiel with “apologies for the unsolicited approach!” Why should I start off a sentence with apologising for something – they should be glad that I’m contacting them!
Anyway, like you I continue to say sorry….
Darren
I agree with you. Apologising in that way is probably a part of “British” culture however one that is (sadly?) dying out as people get more and more self-centred and more and more disinterested in other people and in how their behaviours impact others.
Regarding the call… absolutely. Now that I would never do. You have to train that out of yourself. You cannot not imagine something so if you say, “Don’t think of a pushy salesman,” you’d be hard pushed not to. If you say at the start of a call, as many do, “Sorry to interrupt you,” then the client cannot help but think of being interrupted. Likewise, if you say, “Sorry for the unsolicited approach,” the client cannot help but think about the fact that you have called unsolicited. And there are many others that salespeople use that effectively downgrade their calls or give the client negative thoughts.
And that’s before you consider the impact on your own psyche of saying that or the fact that, as you quite rightly say, they ARE lucky to be getting a call from you!
Have a great evening.
Gavin
Hi Gavin
As a man in the public arena all the time, where do you stand on this
exchange. Am I a old fart in asking councillors not to swear at me? Pious
perhaps?
Hi Greg
Can I say how shocked I was to read the foul language in your Twitter feed
posted as councillor with responsibility for Residents Services in
Hammersmith.
As a resident of Hammersmith I take great exception to the use of the word:
“fuck” in your feed, whether or not is is spelt out or covered in asterisks
(in that patronising way favoured by papers like the Sun and Daily
Telegraph).
“The Libs are so dumb. Tax the hell out of the wealth creators and you won’t
get any tax revenue at all as they’ll all f*** off abroad!”
The word may have a literary value on some occasions – usually as a direct
quote, but it clearly does not in this context – try the words ‘leave the
UK’.
It is offensive to me as an adult and sets a poor example to young adults,
coming as it does from a person in an elected public position.
What may be acceptable to your motor racing mates, or perhaps your wife
Eira, is not acceptable to the residents of Hammersmith – so if you want to
tag yourself in as a councillor, please can you respect the sensibilities of
your audience and the responsibilities of your office.
If you must use such foul language in a public place please open up
another Twitteraccount as a ‘husband and motorist’.
Best regards
Paul Fox
Greg Smith to me 25 Sep (5 days ago)
Thank you for your comments. I disagree.
Greg Smith
Paul
I totally agree with you. I am not one to shy away from the odd expletive with friends, in the pub, in “direct quotes” as you say or even (on rare occasion) when telling a tale which benefits from it on stage but always after careful measurement of the group.
To swear in such a way in a public feed when you do not know who is reading it AND when you are an elected official representing others is appalling. And I have to say that hiding your w*rds with asteri*ks does nothing to change the meaning or the phrase. It is merely like farting and pretending it wasn’t you when everyone else knows that it was!
Strangely though, what appalled me more was his dismissive response. If one person thinks he was wrong (you on this occasion) then he should apologise, even if he does not agree. Offence is not something that can be measured by the offender, it is always measured by the offendee. If someone thinks you offended them then you did. Period. Your intention is irrelevant.
Also, pet hate of mine, I find the failure to write properly (e.g. missing out words, not addressing you, finishing with kind regards etc) is akin to spitting at you and is just lazy and rude. I know a lot of people do it but it doesn’t make it right. Again, it might be ok with your mates but not with clients or professionally.
Unfortunately, people think they can be rude in new media. IMHO they are wrong.
Kind regards
Gavin
Hi Gavin,
Great article as always
I’ve never forgot my late mum telling me “manners cost nothing”
Hope you are well
Best wishes
John
Very well thank John. Funnily enough, I think that’s what all Mums used to say… certainly mine did… and my Grandma too! Given the way a lot of kids behave right in front of their parents (who carry on reading their papers whilst the kids run riot), it unfortunately seems to be out of fashion these days!!
Dear Gavin,
Great newsletter (as always;) and was particularily touched by this piece on manners and etiquette – I am also like you a courteous and well mannered respectful individual.
I believe “manners maketh man” so often am dismayed too by societies lack of mutual respect and consideration for others.
In part, in my case, this has been predominantly due to my upbringing, strong family bond and respect for elders which I am very thankful for, moreover, I do believe that this kind nature and thoughtful-ness does also assist me when doing business as it shines through.
On a separate note I wanted to enquire if you would be doing another event in the Manchester please?
Keep up the great work and thanks in advance.
Best regards,
Rob
Rob.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I totally agree with you. Next Manchester dates will be next year so keep your eyes on the bottom of the newsletter http://www.gaviningham.com/gavins-success-newsletter/ and on the seminars page http://www.gaviningham.com/seminar-schedule/.
Have a great evening.
Gavin
My brother has a metal pin in his leg and can’t stand for long periods without collapsing. He doesn’t look obviously disabled and constantly gets tutted for failing to give up his seat and calling lifts.
What are you, the politeness police?
Richard. I am sorry about your brother and the fact that people tut at him sucks. In my case however, the chap who “stole” the seat most certainly was not having many problems. The way that he dodged and weaved to the seat would have given a decent rugby team a run for their money! As for me being the politeness police… no, definitely not but… then again, I don’t think that would be a bad thing!!
I’ve been thinking and writing about professional relationships quite a lot recently (from a public relations perspective) and agree with you about manners. These are a basic component of relationships.
Regarding train etiquette, I was shocked and then pleasantly suprised earlier this week when someone sitting down next to me on a busy commuter train into London said good morning. Isn’t it sad that you get so used to the lack of manners (the seat hoggers and other lack of consideration for others), that someone being polite and friendly is a surprise? There was no need for any further conversation, but it was a reminder to me of the importance of a smile and good morning, even on a packed train of strangers.
Heather. Very important and if you have a book “in you” on that… go ahead and write it. A good book in that area would go down well I am sure! Good luck!
Couldn’t agree with you more on the subject of manners – and guess what – they’re free!
Can’t understand why more people don’t use them. I spent an unfortunate 30 minutes on a train last week – with someone talking at the top of their voice into their mobile for nearly all the journey. I struck up a conversation with a lady who had got on the same stop as this offender to be told that the conversation had started on the station, and that everyone on the platform knew everything that was happening in this person’s life for 10 minutes prior to the train arriving…………….
Consideration for others is what’s required – I do hope you are wrong about them being T-Rex but suspect there might be more than an element of truth in your statement.
Many thanks for all your blogs – I do enjoy reading them and find them very useful.
Kind regards
Teresa Maddern
Enterprise Recruitment Ltd
Tel: 01442 874 884
Web: http://www.enterpriserecruitment.com
Permanent and Contract Recruitment
Yes, that is so annoying isn’t it Teresa! Many would ask, “What makes them think everyone else wants to hear their conversations?” but I suspect that the fact that they are disturbing others probably never even dawned on them!
Totally agree with your comments about manners Gavin.
I have done exactly what you did on a train. I also find myself saying excuse me when plainly it is the other person who should be saying it.
Maybe it’s the era we grew up in or the era we were trained in sales and business ?
Greg
Greg… Probably both!!